Sacrificially Loving Your Spouse: Your Words

Here is the last post on the series of sacrificially loving your husband--your words. 

Do you honor your husband when you speak of him to others? Is he thrown under the bus for the sake of a joke, griping, gossip and complaining or, despite what mistakes he might make, do you protect his reputation and build him up in the minds of others? Remember, you have the power to esteem your husband in people’s minds or to make him look silly and foolish. We mistakenly do the latter, and then we wonder why no one looks at our husband for leadership opportunities or come to him for wisdom. We tear down our husband’s reputations just so we can selfishly let off steam.


Instead, be a promoter and recommend your husband. Not only refuse to complain about him in public, but choose to thank him and build him up in front of others. I have a friend who is constantly praising her husband—not in a bragging way—but in a proud, loving way. By the time I am leaving her, I am ALWAYS thinking highly of her spouse. People’s perceptions of your spouse are based greatly on how you present him.

What other practical steps can you take to prefer your spouse with words? Build him up and encourage him with love and gentleness in your speech. Tell your children how blessed they are to have your spouse as a father. When is the last time you told your parents how wonderful your husband is to you? That’s right! So many of us use our moms as a sounding board to gripe about what our spouse did wrong. Stop! Instead, tell her what a sweet father he is or how well he painted that room or how long he worked today to provide for your family. Write a little brag post about your spouse on Facebook. Buy a card for no reason and tell your husband as many things you love about him as years he is old or years you have been married.  Bible verses encourage me, and I send them to my husband when he is in trials to give him encouragement as well.  Scripture is a powerful tool of encouragement and hope that God has given us to use for life and godliness!

Sometimes our lack of words can be an encouragement as well. Instead of complaining or criticizing him about his parking job, his perceived bad driving, his clothes on the floor, the drawer or door he left open, the errand he forgot to run or the obvious “I told you so” staring you both in the face, just close your mouth ladies, love him, and fix whatever needs to be fixed or do whatever he forgot to do without telling him.  Proverbs 25:24 says, "It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife."  In addition, Proverbs 27:15 reminds us that "A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike."  Proverbs 21:19 adds, "It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman."  The Bible is clear that an argumentative and negative wife is not going to create a happy marriage or husband.  Who wants to be compared to a desert or an annoying, dismal dripping? 

Rather, look at what Proverbs has to say about the Proverbs 31 woman, an excellent model of godliness and righteousness in her wifely role.  Proverbs 31:26 explains that "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."  What a difference from the above wife!  This wife is speaking God's truths and filtering what she says through the fruit of kindness!  This is a wife who is helping her husband and strengthening her marriage.  Proverbs 14:1 says "The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down."  The Proverbs 31 woman is using her words to build up her family and the contentious wife is tearing it apart with one foolish word after another.

What is the pattern of your speech?  When you are speaking directly TO your husband, are you using gentle and encouraging words?  Ephesians 4:29 tells us, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."  Is everything you are saying to your husband giving him grace, or are some of your words tearing him down and multiplying sinful attitudes and words in your family?

Using righteous words and taming our tongue is hard, but we are still called to be holy in this particular area.  We must use the help of the Holy Spirit and the truths of scripture to guide us in our speech.  Think of the fruit that will result from righteousness in this area!  Be encouraged and cling to God as we work to honor God through sacrificially loving our spouse!

Sacrificially Loving Your Spouse: Part 4--Actions

We have been reading about how to practically be godly wives in our post series:  Sacrificially Loving Your Spouse.  We started with a lesson on the biblical foundations, and then we have looked at practically serving our spouse through our attitude and our time.  Today, we are going to look at loving our spouse in our actions.

Proverbs 31 is full of wise and loving actions on the part of the excellent wife. She is purposeful in deciding what needs to be done and acting upon it. Verse 16 finds her considering a purchase of a field, verse 13 finds her seeking the materials she needs for clothes, verse 14 tells us she brings food from afar to feed her family. We already pointed out that she is working hard—there is no idleness in her. She is active for her spouse, her kids, the poor, her servants and her maidens. In fact, the whole section on the excellent wife ends with the words, “Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.” She actively works for the good of her spouse, so her dutiful actions bring her reward and good in her life and family.

There are so many creative ways to act preferentially to your spouse. I recently posted this question on Facebook: How do you give preference to your spouse?  As we already discussed under attitude, many women mentioned initiating and responding well to intimacy.  We know and realize intimacy is exceptionally important to our husbands.

There were other examples, though.  Someone wrote sweet notes on her husband's lunch napkin, one heated his towel in the dryer while he was showering, another clipped coupons for bagels at his favorite shop, others bought his favorite foods every week at the store, one simply served him his dinner plate BEFORE she served her children theirs, and one lady gave her husband a backrub or footrub and did not expect one in return. Try making your husband’s favorite dinner and light candles—even when the kids are there. Fold his shirts the way he likes them folded. It sounds silly, but Ryan has a specific way he likes me to fold his T-shirts. I have never been good at folding clothes, but I do it. I fold them the way he likes, though it takes extra time and thoughtfulness, because I love him and he asked me to fold them this way. It is important to him.  Clean the area of the house he likes to see spotless.  Our husbands each have that area they like to see dust and clutter free.  It might be their desk, nightstand or the couch, but having that area clean gives them a place of sanctuary and order.

Instead of dressing in the newest trends to compete with the girls, dress the way he likes to see you dressed, and do your hair the way he likes your hair.  We are married and need to make sure we care about our husband's preferences more than we care about making sure we look as hip and trendy as our girlfriends.


You can prefer your spouse with your specific gifts and talents too. Those of you who cook well, make your husband’s favorite meals and foods. If he likes to eat food you hate to cook, make it anyway. If you are a talented writer, write down cards, notes of encouragement and praise for your husband. If you are a Creative Memory gal, make a special book highlighting your marriage and blessed times with your spouse. Perhaps you are great at organizing.  With his permission, organize your spouse’s closet, car, office or junk drawer. If you are an encourager, have your husband be the first person you look to encourage each day. If you are a teacher or leader at church, ask your husband for insight and help into the lessons you are giving. Include him in your ministry and still seek his leadership, even if you are leading a ministry solely for women. Think about how you can creatively use your resources and gifts for the purpose of blessing your husband and giving him preference in your marriage and home.

Do all of this without expecting thanks or anything in return. You see, if we do all these things and expect something in return, we aren’t preferring anyone but ourselves.

There is a cute little story about a little boy and his mom. One day the mom saw a little slip of paper on her nightstand. It was a little bill from her young son that said: Being good—50 cents. Doing chores—10 cents. The mom smiled at his childishness and the next day slipped him 60 cents and a slip of paper back. It said: Nursing you through colic--nothing. Hugging you when you are hurt—nothing. Making your breakfasts, lunches and dinners—nothing. Taking you to and from school every day—nothing. Serving you and loving you sacrificially—nothing. You see this mom was illustrating to her son the idea of sacrificial love and honor. We can be like that son—not handing our spouse a tangible bill for our services, but holding expectations and demands in our heart and mind. This should not be. Love and Prefer your spouse sacrificially like Christ loved, not expectantly.

We have only one area left to discuss in our next post in this series:  our words.  I'm praying for my readers as you and I work through these areas of godliness.

Sacrificially Loving Your Spouse: Part 3: Your Time

My husband likes it when I give him my time.  I know this because when I don't, well, conflict comes along.  With Christmas crazy schedules, I haven't given him as much time as I should, and I know I need to pull him aside and ask for forgiveness and some grace.  How about your spouse?  What happens to your marriage when you don't make an effort to spend time with or for your spouse?  In this post, we'll chat about different ways to bless our spouse with our time.

Let’s look back at the example of our Excellent Wife in Proverbs 31. What does she do with her time? Well, she works for the good of others. She is up early (verse 15) and then stays up late still working (verse 18). We find that she seeks work to do and does it willingly (verse 13) and she is not idle or lazy. (verse 27) In an age where we have many distractions to pull us away from laboring for our family and, ultimately, for God, what is getting in your way?


You see, how we spend our time speaks volumes as to what we value. How many of you ask your husband daily, “How can I help you today? Is there anything I can do in my free time that would be helpful to you?” You are thinking, “What free time?” We have it ladies. If you are on Facebook, calling someone on the phone, watching any TV or reading anything for pleasure (such as blogs--ouch!), you have freetime.


Do you ask your husband if he wants you to attend a girls night out or even a ministry evening before you say yes? How you spend your time affects him, and you should prefer him when choosing your schedule.

Do you take time to thoughtfully plan how you can honor your husband? Like this excellent wife, do you get up earlier than you need to in the morning so you can make him breakfast or pack his lunch? Do you take the time to do laundry before he asks so his favorite shirt or uniform he might need is washed and ready? Do you ever take the time to plan date nights or nights away?  Organize a sitter, be creative and put time into making a nice evening for your spouse. My spouse and I take turns every other month planning the dates and scheduling a sitter.  It really makes the job of planning date nights easier and joyful when you can share in the workload part of it.  Once you are on the datenight, isn't it the best!? 

Do you simply take the time to tell your spouse you love him and are thankful for him?

Take a moment of your time to write down all the ways you have seen your spouse make efforts for your family and for you. Write it on a card and give it to him. Be specific and full of gratitude.

My husband and I get away once a year (again putting aside time) and make goals spiritually, maritally, financially, personally and as parents. Part of this process is telling our spouse what they have done well and what areas we see as opportunities for growth. One year at this goal session, Ryan asked me to not talk on the phone when I am in the car with him driving somewhere. You see, I was spending my “freetime” with Ryan catching up on my to do list and speaking to other people rather than conversing with and investing in my husband. I didn’t even realize this was a pattern of behavior for me, but I took notice and did what he asked.

When your spouse is talking to you, don’t divide your time between him and facebook, texting, TV, kids or the computer. Give your spouse your full attention. Show him you prefer him above all other worldly relationships and distractions with your time. I encourage you to ask your spouse how he feels about how you are spending your time. Have him pray and think about it and then come together to discuss what areas need improvement.  Let God work in your heart and your marriage.  It might not feel pleasant to be sanctified in this area, but it will be a pursuit of holiness well worth the pruning.

Our next post in this series will discuss how we can sacrificially love our spouse with our actions.

Sacrificially Loving Your Spouse Part 2: Your Attitude

I was holding off on doing more posts on this topic until I did my second teaching on this lesson.  Yesterday, I finished teaching to a group of young moms at a group called Navigating Motherhood.  If you are a mom with young kids and are looking for a free group where you do crafts, fellowship, get free breakfasts, have free child care and get speakers coming once a week to your meetings, check out this particular group.  It meets in Aliso Viejo and is amazing!  http://www.compasschurch.org/mothers/.

So, a couple of posts back, I laid the foundation for sacrificially loving your spouse.  If you haven't read that post yet, read it first.  http://godlyhelpmate.blogspot.com/2010/11/sacrificially-loving-your-husband-part.html. 

Now let's role up our sleeves and get practical.  A big area of conviction for most of us is how we are loving (or rather disrespecting) our spouse in our attitude.  A great template for us to study in the Bible is the woman in Proverbs 31, the excellent wife.  Proverbs 31 tells us that she has willing hands, not obligated or resentful hands, and acts for the good of her spouse.  In addition, it says she labors with this loving attitude ALL the days of her life--her attitude of selflessness does not ebb and flow with her circumstances or her changing emotions.

This is a very hard and high calling, but the key to her success is in Proverbs 31:30.  It tells us that she fears God.  She understands God's place--high and holy, her sovereign Creator.  As a result, she obeys with joy, contentment and a proper fear of God--properly considering her spouse with a loving attitude. 

How is your attitude toward your spouse?  You might be externally preferring him, but you harbor some control and resentment in your heart.  This is sin before God.  If you act obedient JUST in appearances, you are seeking people's approval, not God's.  He knows your heart, which will expose your attitude.

One way we can check our attitudes is by considering the thoughts we think about our spouse.  Do we look forward to seeing him walk in the door from work because we love him and he is our best friend, or do we have thoughts that gripe and complain about where our husband fell short or what mistakes he made that day/week/or year.

We fall so easily into that second example.  We give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and then immediately assume the worst in our husband.  We even get annoyed and resentful at circumstances that are out of his control--traffic that makes him get home late; a crabby, sick kid who you had to watch while your husband "escaped" to work; or the fact he can eat that dessert with no ill effects while you diet for weeks to lose 5 pounds. 

Instead of hashing out the things we can hold against our spouse, we should purposefully dwell on things our husbands do right, what they do well, and what they are doing to sacrifice for our families.

In our house, we keep a "thanks list" at the top of our stairs on the linen closet counter.  Throughout the week, we jot down specific things for which we give thanks, including things our spouse has done well.  Then, one night each week, we come together and read through the thanks list together.  We are able to pray thanks to God and voice appreciation to one another as well. 

Well, how about when your husband leaves your home in the morning? Are you frazzled and grumpy in the morning or do you smile and encourage your spouse before he goes to face his stressful day? If he asks you to do something that day at home or while running errands, smile with a happy heart and say SURE, thankful for the opportunity to serve. We ask our kids to obey us with happy hearts, but so often we struggle to comply with joyfully helping our husbands when they ask us to do a favor.
How about when your husband walks in the door AFTER work? You have dinner going, little kids are underfoot and older kids are doing homework. The stress of the day has peaked and you are fatigued. Instead of unloading your day on your spouse when he first gets home, wait to talk about stresses with him. He has been at a demanding job all day, has been driving home in traffic and has been looking forward to the retreat and sanctuary that home and family bring him. Have an attitude that reflects this support and rest for him when he is weary instead of heaping more trouble and stress onto his lap. Try smiling, making sure you look nice and keeping home clean and relaxing for when he walks in that door. Such actions sure would reflect a loving and thoughtful attitude.

How about this one? What is your attitude when your husband initiates intimacy with you? You are tired, the kids have been pulling at you all day, but your husband has been bombarded with sexy, physical messages and images all day. He wants and needs physical time with his wife. Are you going to respond with a thankful attitude that he is choosing faithfulness and desiring you, or are you going to give him the cold shoulder and get frustrated that he is even attempting sex this evening? How about honoring him and initiating sex with him even when you are tired? That is a selfless attitude where you are considering HIS interests first and more important than your own feelings!

Recently, I noticed a friend on Facebook was at home with her newborn eating a Trader Joe’s microwave dinner while her husband worked late. The focus of her post was asking prayer for her husband who was working late and sacrificing for his family. She didn’t even tiptoe into a pity party or grumbling session. Her focus was off herself. If you make an effort to practice activities such as these, liking your spouse best will be simple and straightforward.

Ask the Holy Spirit to help you in this area of sanctification.  Pray that sin is exposed and repent.  Post verses around the house that will help you respond with joy and selflessness.  Have accountability and check in regularly.

We realize our attitudes are important--they expose the spiritual health of our hearts.  God sees them clearly and is not fooled by our hypocritical actions.  The key to improving our attitude toward our husbands is to properly fear God and understand our place before Him, to have our thoughts dwell on what our husbands are doing well and to take our eyes off of our own selfish needs and feelings.  Rely on God for strength and guidance as you pursue holiness in your attitude toward your spouse.

The next post in this series will focus on loving your spouse with your TIME.

Sacrificially Loving Your Husband Part I: A Foundation

Well, I just finished teaching my first lesson at church--in front of adults.  Gulp.  I actually loved it--God put a love of teaching in my heart from a very early age.  This is strange for a shy introvert, but God loves to show HIS strength and power through weak people.  The great thing about teaching is that you gain such a deep understanding of the material because you have to understand it well enough to teach and explain it to someone else.  Personally, this means a big helping of conviction on my plate--a truly Thanksgiving sized plate portion.

Just like every woman who attended the workshop, I am a sinful lady with selfish flesh.  God's teaching me and growing me to love my spouse more and more like Christ loves me--sacrificially, but it is a long road, and it isn't easy.  It means less of me and more of God.  John 3:30 puts it well--"He must increase, but I must decrease."

The topic is SO important, I thought I would break down the workshop to small blog posts.  The workshop was called "Preferring Your Husband".  There were four main categories of practical application, which I can dive into one at a time on separate blogs.  Today, I thought I would just lay the foundation for the lesson.

The entire lesson was built upon the foundation of Philippians 2:3-4, which says, "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."  You see, we are called to treat the general "others" in our lives better than we treat ourselves, so how much more should we be considering our spouse, our partner for life? 

The word rivalry, in verse 3, refers to selfish ambition or hostility.  We fall into this mindset when we think "I deserve this" or the famous makeup commercial motto, "I am worth it."  Also, when we start getting angry at our spouse for his lack of service or attention to us, we are adopting the "what have you done for me lately" mindset.  This is hostility against others (our spouse) in the interest of selfish ambition.

The word conceit in verse 3 means pride with no foundation or proper basis.  As Christian ladies, we know we have NO value in ourselves, right?  Our entire value and boast is in Christ alone.  There is no room, then for puffed up attitudes or thinking of ourselves better than others.  Therefore, we are forced to recognize that through God's lens, which is the lens of TRUTH, rivalry and conceit are SIN.

The answer is, however, found in verse 3 also.  It tells us, IN HUMILITY, to count others as more significant, or important to ourselves.  This is countercultural.  We are engrained to compete with others and believe in some layer of survival of the fittest.  Just look out at the freeway and the amount of people who don't want to let you over into their lane!  I am sure we have all heard the tune that says, "Make sure you are taking care of yourself FIRST so that you are happy enough and whole enough to help others."  These are lies propogated all over society by satan.  They are the direct opposite, the antithesis, to the message of Philippians 2:3-4. 

So if we believe the Bible is correct, we recognize we need to be considering our spouse more than ourselves.  However, this may be hard to swallow when he is sinful in his behavior.  First of all, we are called to humbly submit to our own husbands as to the LORD.  (Ephesians 5:22)  How are you doing with submission to God?  Are you pursuing holiness and listening to the Holy Spirit convict you in areas where you are in sin?  Are you using your talents and gifts for His glory and not your own?  See, if we are not exercising the skills to submit to God, it will bleed over into our marriage relationship too.  If you ARE making every effort to submit to God, the self discipline and self denial you are exercising will help you and benefit you as you seek to submit to your spouse.  If you aren't attempting to properly submit to and be humble before a perfect, faithful, holy and loving God, then how in the world do you plan to submit to your imperfect and sinful spouse?

Secondly, we can better understand how we sacrificially love our sinful spouse when we look at Romans 5:8.  It tells us, "but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  Christ died a horrific, painful, humiliating death for His enemy.  God wholly loved and sacrifieced for us while we were hating, ugly, horrid, hurtful, hard hearted, selfish, prideful people.  We were His ENEMIES.  We were at WAR against Him.  We despised his authority over us.  Despite this, Christ died for us so we could be reconciled to God and forgiven our sins.

If we are Christians, we are called to love as Christ loved us. Since this is the case, we have no choice but to sacrifically love and honor our spouse.  I know our husbands have moments when they seem like an enemy--they can be hurtful.  God knows this and still calls us to obediently love them and respect them.

Common sense also tells us this fact.  If you pridefully withhold love and honor from your husband because of his flaws, you are in essence saying you are flawless and far superior in your behavior.  Really?  Have you never raised your voice?  Have you never been frustrated or annoyed and taken it out on your husband?  Have you never looked less than perfect in your appearance?  Have you never made a mistake in judgment?  Do you never require your spouse's attention when they are busy or tired?  I know we are all guilty of everything mentioned, and these are just examples of some imperfections.  So we have no choice.  We must, as imperfect wives, love and honor our imperfect husband.

In the next few blogs, we will roll up our sleeves and get practical.  We will look at four separate categories in which we can give our spouse sacrificial love and preference.  Until then, ponder what God has called you to do and pray that He grows you in humility and love for others, especially your spouse.  Make a list of what God has done for you, though you were undeserving.  With a better understanding and foundation, we can enthusiastically work on our Philippians 2:3-4 attitudes!