Specks, specks everywhere

Matthew 7:3-5 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.


Last fall, I was at Disneyland for three days on a family vacation.  We had a wonderful time as a family, and the kids were very blessed by their time at the "happiest place on earth." 

However, one circumstance brought me to deeper thought and spurred me on to write this blog post. 

The second day we were at Disneyland, I was in line with my older son for a roller coaster ride.  Micah was napping in the stroller and Ryan had just had a turn with Carter on the same roller coaster and now waited with sleeping Micah outside.  The line is usually long for this particular ride--at least 20 minutes, but we made our way through it fairly quickly.  When we got to the end, however, we stopped, and it was apparent we'd be standing in that spot for at least 5 minutes.  I decided to grab my phone and check the status of a friend's mother's cancer surgery that morning.  As I was waiting for the status to download, a teenage girl, standing in line with her teenage boyfriend, behind me muttered, "Get off Facebook, get off your phone and pay attention to your son!"  I was shocked!  Carter was happily standing by my side waiting for the ride, and I hadn't done anything to make this person upset.  At first I wasn't sure she was actually that rude to be commenting to me, but she was indeed directing her muttering in my direction. 

My first reaction was to get defensive and mad.  Oh, I was seething--not righteous anger, ladies.  I was a sinning mess.  She had no idea what I was doing on my phone (checking on a surgery), the fact I had been only checking the phone for about 30 seconds as I was parked in a stopped line or that I had been spending a lot of very undivided attention on my son for the past 2 days.  I was thinking, "I CANNOT believe a teenager--obviously not a mom--was judgmentally giving me sarcastic advice on what I'm doing wrong as a parent!"  I turned to look at her, but she giggled with her boyfriend and avoided my eyes.  Sigh.

Christian ladies, there are two important lessons in this story.  Both lessons are extremely difficult to swallow and will take much help from the Holy Spirit.  I am in much need of working on my heart in these areas, which is probably exactly why God allowed my teenage commentator at Disneyland.

Firstly, we need to watch our judgmental and critical attitude toward other women.  We are so good at thinking about what other women do wrong.  "She spends too much time on her appearance.  She needs to spend MORE time on her appearance.  She is materialistic and spends too much money on "stuff."  She needs to discipline her kids.  She needs to give her kids some love and grace.  She needs to have more self control in eating.   She needs to not be doing this activity so much.  She needs to come to Bible study more regularly.  She needs to work less.  She needs to not be such a perfectionist.  She needs to be more positive.  She needs to not be so happy and fake."  You get the idea.  Some of the admonishment MIGHT be valid, but many times it is not.  Plus, we have to be so, so careful of how we are delivering any criticism.

Ladies, the Bible calls us to admonish one another as CHRISTIANS.  We are not to judge non Christians on their behavior.  We are to witness to them and show God's love to them.  God is their judge.  We are to point out sin to a sister in Christ. 

The problem is twofold--we are eager to point out other Christian ladies' shortcomings without examining our own hearts for the same sin first.  This leads to poor deliveries--conversations which are easily recognized as prideful and not seasoned with love  Secondly, we criticize and judge women on areas that are not sinful or in which we have formed an opinion without knowing the entire story. 

When we point out sin in a sister, are we praying about it?  Are we making sure we do not have a log in our eye before we point out her speck?  Are we approaching her in love and gentleness?  Do we seek to help her so she can change or do we just like to think negative thoughts about her sinfulness or gossip about her poor choices? 

Very few of us are judging sisters in Christ correctly.  Like an accident on the side of the road, we crane our necks to see what is falling apart in her life and gape in curiousity as the consequences and aftermath of sin arrive.  Then we metaphorically drive on, clicking our tongues and shaking our heads.  Why aren't we striving to stop, extend her truth and godly counsel with a heaping dose of grace and love?

Secondly, ladies, we are much too quick to criticize women about non-Biblical mandates.  I mentioned a few already.  We may have an opinion about how to school kids, how to discipline with a particular branded method, what kind of foods we should feed our family, how to pick a balance between church service and heart training at home that works for our family, how to diet and eat in a way that shows self control in our particular body, etc.  A different method, balance or habit may work better for a different person. 

We certainly love to be self righteous in areas we are doing well.  When we are serving at church a lot, we tend to pick out those who aren't.  When our kids are doing well with behavior, we quickly spot those who are not.  When we have lost weight or are regularly working out, we look down on those ladies who are picking up that dessert or going up a dress size.  Our flesh wants to pat itself on the back as we put others down.

We are prideful messes that each have a lot of work to do in our own lives.  This doesn't mean we need to ignore the call to encourage other Christians to live holy and blameless lives.  We are running this race together, and we should be working together to please God.  We need to sharply watch our motivation and delivery--always offering any judgment or admonishment with a large and healthy dose of humility and compassion.

The correct response at Disneyland would have been for me to stop and pray for humility for myself and love for that girl.  Assuming she wasn't a Christian, I should have known her comment was just immature and hurting words from the world.  She probably REALLY needs Christ's love, and my heart and mind were not filled with compassion for her in any way, shape or form.  I was too worried about how I had been wronged rather than worrying about her hurting and lost soul.

Plus, I should be thankful to her that it made me stop and think about criticism and how we treat one another as Christian women.  I am so thankful for my Christian friends who BOTH love and encourage me by investing in our friendship and then also take the time to encourage change if they see sin in my life.  If it is done correctly, such Christian friendships are treasures that are valued beyond measure.

Ask yourself:  Have you been judgmental of a Christian woman lately?  It could have been through gossip, simple thoughts, attitude, or a conversation with her directly.  What did you do that was Biblical and good in this instance?  What happened in your approach that was fleshly and selfish?  What practical changes can you make to ensure you are encouraging holiness in others while still examining your own heart and loving others in humility and compassion?  Is there anyone from whom you need to ask forgiveness?

Proverbs 27:17 17  Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Do you Strive to Be Christ or a Clique in Your Christian Friendships?

I John 4: 7  "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."

Women and friendships--they are wonderful gifts from God.  As with so many blessings, though, they can be used to glorify Him and grow us spiritually, or, used incorrectly, they can create a bad witness to others and malign God's name.

As His daughters, He gives us the blessing of friends in order that we may build one another up, encourage one another in living godly lives, and admonish one another when we aren't doing what would please God.  We pray for one another, mourn with friends who are mourning, rejoice when they are rejoicing and step in to practically help when we need to be the hands and feet of Christ.  In God's eyes, the point of Christian friendships is growing our holiness and giving Him glory, not satisfying our own quest for happiness and comfort.

The problem occurs when we become self serving in our friendships and our relationships become cliquish.  When we start excluding others outside our circle because it isn't as comfortable to have them there or we make other people feel unwelcome, we are not acting becomingly, dear sisters.

This reminds me of a ministry I joined at a different church right around the time I was married.  Because it was a life stage ministry, many of the women were very close friends.   I had a terrible time forming friendships because a few of the women were resistant to anyone joining their inner circle.  They used their friendships as a power play over anyone new and unknown.  I was excluded from parties, outings and even conversations in which I was standing right there.  In fact, if it weren't for the godly efforts of ONE woman to include me in events and invite me to her home, I would have left the ministry in frustration. 

If we were honest, we all have excluded others, even at church, in the interest of our self promotion or comfort.  This cannot be a part of what identifies us!  We must have the church body strive for holiness in all areas.
Ponder your closest Christian friendships and ask yourself some questions.

-Do we make it a pattern to invite new women to join us for fun events out--even, perhaps especially, women who are not popular or easy to get to know?
-When we are together, do we talk about spiritually edifying topics, or do we sin in gossip and slander against anyone not in our "group"?
-Would we be resentful if another woman became a close friend to our mutual friend?  Can we share our friend's gifts, talents and time with others?
-Are you open to making new friends in your life or are you selfishly clinging to one or two sisters in Christ without meeting others?
-Do you admonish one another?  Would anyone in the friendship be resentful if she were admonished?
-Are you both inviting other women to join you at church?
-Would you be willing to be separated for the good of a small group or Bible study?
-Does your husband approve of your friendship?

Answer these honestly.  If you realize your friendship is leaving others out and not representing Christ well, then repent and talk to your friend about your conviction.  Make some measurable steps toward reaching out to other sisters in Christ with welcoming arms, a smile on your face, and no selfish agenda behind the friendships you form.  God will be glorified by your obedience to put others before yourself and to love them. Philippians 2: 1-4 says, "So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy,complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."  Does this define you and your relationships with sisters in Christ?

This does not mean we won't have some friends who are closer to us than others.  However, always make sure you do not resent the presence of the new woman in the small group, the person asking to room with you at retreat, or the Christian woman who desires to make a new friend in you.  Though it does take effort, time and sacrifice, it is nothing compared to what Christ did for us--He died for our sin while we were still His enemies.  Be Christ, not a clique.

There is a Friend

Proverbs 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

As women, we know that friendship is an important part of our lives. We are blessed to know that the Bible has much to say concerning friendship and those we choose as friends.

Not surprisingly, the Bible is concerned with our holiness and God's glory, not with our popularity or self promotion. This flies in the face of the goals of the world, where ladies dress, speak and act in ways that will allow them to be accepted by the most people.

Proverbs 18:24 says, "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." It reminds us that the secret is not to gather as many friends as possible, but, rather, we are to find a true friend who will be a friend through all seasons, a friend who sticks closer than a brother. A true agape love of sacrificial consideration will be the foundation for this friendship--a Philippians 2 type of mentality.

Most of all, though, this friend needs to primarily love God and seek His glory above all else. Even our choice in friends needs to be rooted in righteousness and wisdom. Philippians 12:26 explains, "A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray." We all know that we are affected by the words and actions of those closest to us. God reminds us that a righteous man cautiously chooses with whom he will fellowship, but sinners haphazardly befriend whomever comes along, being led further astray by the other sinners with whom they party, gossip and "hang."

How do we know if our friends truly love God and want to glorify Him? Proverbs gives us some insight into their actions and words.

Proverbs 27:6 tells us, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." The idea of a friend wounding us doesn't sound very, well, friendly; but what the Word of God is saying is that a friend will tell us truth and admonish us. We need to find friends who use scripture, not opinion, to encourage, counsel and correct us. On the other hand, God tells us that "friends" who flatter us time and time again, even when we are sinning, are our enemy! They cannot be trusted because they are not concerned with the righteousness of God. If your friends are not confronting you in love, you are not growing and they are not spurring you on to be like Christ.

Proverbs 22:4 explains further, "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered." Are we all going to have moments where we sin in anger? Unfortunately, we are. I pray we are all growing in this area. However, the Bible warns us about befriending someone with patterns of anger in them. Do you have a friend who is always put off, offended, feeling slighted, bitter or holding grudges? Like a hot-tempered person, this type of friend is concerned about themselves, not God. When we see patterns of sensitivity, bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness, we know that an individual is concerned about her own feelings rather than God's commands. She needs a good dose of humility and repentance before she will be a righteous and fruitful friend.

Finally, Proverbs 27:9 says, "Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel." Earnest counsel means telling the truth when advice is being given. As Christians, we define truth as Biblical truth. Are your friends giving you opinions or looking to God's Word to give you wisdom and answers? There is no other compass to follow than the Bible. If a friend is steering you by popular opinion or feelings, then this is not a friend who gives earnest counsel. In God's Word, we see what a disaster bad counsel can bring when Solomon's son, Rehoboam, leans on the opinion of his young, foolish "friends" rather than the wise, tested counsel of his father's elders. (I Kings 12) This lapse in judgement of his friends ulimately caused the separation of Israel from the tribe of Judah. The counsel you receive is very important, so do not underestimate the effect your friends' words have on your behavior.

Ultimately, ask yourself this, "Do my friends put God first in their lives? Do I see fruit in their actions and speech? Do I constantly feel guilty and ashamed or edified and built up in God when I leave after time with my friends?

Is there a place for non-Christians in our lives? Of course there is! We are to have aquantainces with whom we can share the gospel. Our time spent with them should primarily be just this--sharing the gospel and witnessing of their need for a Savior. They should not be our best friend, and we should not be walking into sin with them so we can "be their friend" in hopes of one day bringing them to Christ. Just as "missionary dating" doesn't work, having good friends who are lost in their sin never pans out either. You, as a Christian, are living for and serving God. You are an alien of this world. They are children of darkness and living for themselves. They hate the light and find little issue with sin. How can we be so unequally yoked? The truth is, we can't without compromise and sin on our own part.

It might seem a bit daunting to shake up some of your friendships and seek out godly ones who desire righteousness for themselves and you. It is vital, though. The Bible urges us to seek out friends cautiously because it is so important. Desire a love for God, righteousness, love, faithfulness and humility in your friends. If you seek God's wisdom and leading, you will find there is such a friend waiting to meet you.

Ephesians 5
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

3But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. 4Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.[a] 6Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7Therefore do not be partners with them.

8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, 14for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:
"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

15Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. 18Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.